Thursday, December 10, 2009

320 I Shot Santa

I'm serious. I couldn't take it anymore. No matter how bad my kids were Santa kept bringing them presents. And not just that, the presents got bigger and BIGGER. So I had to take matters into my own hands. Oh, don't worry. I didn't leave any evidence. There are no fingerprints or blood splotches. Dexter would be very proud. You would almost think that Santa had never really existed at all...

Now I just have to break it to the kids.

Oh, so you think I took it a little too far? Believe me, you don't know the half of it. You see those two adorable kids in that banner up at the top? They are hellions.

Connor is two. He walks into a room. He glances around, cataloging each and every thing he can destroy. And then he systematically carries out his plan. If you try to put something back, then the whole world implodes and the screams begin. Here is a short list of the things he has done this week.
1. He opened a bottle of yellow fingernail polish and flung it all over the upstairs bathroom.
2. He squeezed an entire tube of Katie's hot pink lipgloss onto the carpet in the living room.
3. He took a bottle of powder and proceeded to empty it onto the pile of clean clothes which I was one load away from completing.
4. He screamed at me because I wouldn't change his CLEAN diaper.
5. He punched me in the crotch because I closed the cabinet doors.
6. He pulled all the storage containers out and crawled inside the cabinets.
7. He squeezed the toothpaste on the floor.
8. He poured a bag of cereal on the floor.
9. He dumped a bottle of electric shave cleaner on the (thankfully) dirty clothes.
10. He has slowly and surely stripped me of all sanity.
And nothing works. If you tell him "no" he just screams it back at you. If you pop his hand, he punches you. If you smack his little bottom, he hits himself harder. I need to bring the pack-n-play back in the house to use for TIMEOUT!
Katie is 7 (...and a HALF) but she might as well be 15. She is sullen and sassy. She knows everything. And man I am starting to sound redundant on this one! I just am at my wits end. I know I have only myself to blame. Not just for spoiling her rotten. I know it is my just punishment for all those years of being a complete ass to my own Mom (sorry Mom!). Although I am starting to think I am getting the crap end of that deal. I am fairly positive I didn't turn into a complete bitch until puberty....
This week we had to complete Katie's Reading Fair project. I have never hated soemthing so much!! I tried to get her to plan it out on a piece of scrap paper and she started yelling that she knew what she was supposed to do. Of course when I asked her what that was she couldn't explain it to me. She just kept freaking out because the teacher said they were supposed to put the pieces of paper on the boards (AND OH MY FREAKIN HEAD EXPLODED). There was no way to convince her that I wasn't trying to make her turn in a piece of paper as her project instead of the board. I admit it, I flipped ... I sent her upstairs because it was preferable to actually losing my mind. I paid for it later by having to stay up late and wake up early with her to finish it.
Oh, and she randomly tells her brother she hates him.
So ... as you can see, I had no choice. I took the fat guy out.


GeenasMom said...

Your house sounds just like mine, except I only have 1 hellion. I swear she's the devil's child. You did the right thing with canceling Santa. Even though we are Jewish, my dad allowed us to hang up stockings when we were younger. I was a parents nightmare until I was in my 20's. In my younger days when hanging up stockings for the fat jolly man dressed in red, I would awake so excited thinking that I was getting a butt load of candy and small toys. But my stocking always seemed to have onions and no candy or toys. My dad had said Santa ran out of coal. Other than watching my brother and sister eat their candy and play with their toys, the worst part of it was that my mom and dad always hid our stalkings and left us written clues to find them. So I actually had to work to get my onions.

Motherofthemth said...

I'm not quite sure how to respond other than to say you did the right thing and if you're ever in my hood, the wine is on me. Man, you have your hands full. I have 2 kids; well, 1 in college and the other in high school and I can honestly say there were days (when younger) that I wanted to not only pull my hair out bur theirs too. Hang in there girl. Believe it or not they do grow up. I know that's hard to believe but it's true. Great post!

Karen Dinino said...

Don't hang in there, don't be a fool! You started this right by knocking off Santa, now go join Mrs. Claus and party with the elves! Get out while the hellions are looking for Santa! Tell them, "Daddy will take care of everything!"